1. Tide CEO: You Gotta Stop Eating Tide Pods

What? Kids love chocolate.

3. Venmo CEO: We’re Fun!

It’s like a hipper, sexier version of the Bank of America app. That’s what kids want, right?

4. MoviePass CEO: PLEASE DON’T CANCEL

All businesses have a growing period! We’re just growing downwards! Impressively fast!

5. Tumblr CEO: No More Porn

Finally, Tumblr’s returning to its family-friendly roots, like BDSM (Buddies Doing Social Media)!

6. JUUL CEO: No More Advertising to Kids

Save up your allowance! Juul is introducing new ways to experience your favorite vape brand.

7. GoFundMe CEO: We Could Use a Few Fun Ones

This wasn’t supposed to be a website that hosts popularity contests where if you lose, you die.

8. Tide CEO: Soap Isn’t Medicine

David Taylor is back, and he still can’t believe this has to be explained.

9. A Message from the Skype CEO

The CEO of Skype is here with a message for all you “loyal” users.

10. Oreo CEO: Stop Making New Oreos

The perfect cookie exists, we can stop now.

11. Hardware Store CEO: We’re Rebranding (for Some Reason)

The owner - I mean, CEO - of Midland Park Hardware is here to disrupt… the nail industry?